Collaborative Adult Relationships

This chart is about you as an adult and your choices in relation to another adult individual.

This chart is not about another’s actions. This chart implies that individuals in a relationship are independent actors. While it is certainly in one’s interest to support the other, each individual has personal goals, their own mental health, their own future or career, etc. There is an interesting paradox in small committed groups...

"What is good for me is good for me" But also... "What is good for you is good for us, which is also good for me."

In a relationship, the individuals must find their own health. As you contemplate the dynamics of your family/group/relationship, please consider this chart, and remember that you are accountable for where you find yourself. As you move toward the future, remember that you are working on your recovery for your personal purposes and – as a secondary motive – for the benefit of your loved ones. Please keep in mind that one person cannot “recover” another. We can only make ourselves stronger, and when possible, provide support to another who is working to get better.  

The numbered sections are meant to simplify the concepts. It is common for you to see yourself typically behaving one way. Also you may feel in-between or have mixed feelings. Interestingly, you can reflect on your history... you can probably notice you've conducted yourself in more than one way depending on the specific relationship factors at play.

ONE: They have relinquished their personal goals in favor of taking care of another. They have sacrificed a great quantity of pride and potentially, wealth. They have suffered immeasurably emotionally. You may have felt terrified for their safety or for your relationship with them. This fear has contributed to your choice (conscious or not) to temporarily set aside or entirely dismiss your own personal goals.

It is true that loved ones are expected to care for one another. You likely have gone too far from your own health and goals. You might have a contrary thought: wait, taking care of the relationship is good for me. True, yet this thinking can lead to problems if taken to the extreme. An individual can weaken themselves by way of self-sacrifice. This leaves a family, couple or group limited in functional ability to actually help one another.

One other important point: an individual in active addiction will, and can, almost be guaranteed to take advantage of anyone willing to support them or their addiction. In this light, please don’t feel required to sacrifice all for the individual in addiction. While you may feel social pressure from peripheral family members or the community at large to support your adult child or spouse, the reality of addiction may a person with few options but to readjust their notion of duty while simultaneously shifting priority to their personal health and success.

TWO: This quadrant is reserved for individuals who have given up on taking care of themselves and the other. A person who has not been able to distinguish themselves from the other person will feel very depressed and hopeless when the other is not doing well. This pattern will continue until you choose goals to enhance yourself. If this is you, use mindfulness to continuously remind yourself that you are “fine” or “okay,” even if your loved one is not “fine” or “okay.”

If you are in this zone and are captive to depression or have come to believe that you are a failure, you may find it difficult to embrace the notion that you are an independent actor. You are accustomed to a feeling of terror and you likely believe that panic-like fear is justified in regard to 'your' other’s problems. An individual in this stage must ask themselves what they need for their own health. This individual must work hard to establish some personal goals and manage their own personal recovery.

THREE: The individual in number three runs afoul of other’s rights, or takes advantage of the good nature of their loved ones. This person may have fallen into a problematic relational habit (which has probably been enabled by another.) A person in the grip of chemical dependency will dismiss their conscience as generally irrelevant. When you set your personal goals, be deliberate to choose goals that do not infringe upon another’s goals. It is easy to set basic boundaries that protect your health and wellness that allow the others in your family to thrive in their own right. 

FOUR: This is the sweet spot. You may have been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant’s speech about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping your neighbor with theirs. This is an obvious metaphor for family recovery. Take care of yourself, then take care of another. Relationship habits, including the patterns of relating to one another, are very difficult to break. You will need to use a personal recovery plan to ensure that you stay mindful and true to your nonnegotiable personal boundaries. You may need support to maintain this self-care mindset. 

Boundaries Conclusion

Healthy boundaries vary from relationship to relationship and are person-specific. Use boundaries to protect what is most important to you without hindering another’s goals. Clear and consistent communication is crucial; inevitably, the boundaries will be tested. Learning to advocate and hold boundaries may be necessary to repair some of your relationships.